A 13-hour Flight: This Mom’s Hour by Hour Perspective
Why are all these people glaring at me as I board the plane with my sweet little 1-year-old? It is not THAT big of a deal. We’ve taken a dozen flights with him. What’s one more?
Oh, this isn’t so bad. This flight is actually going much better than I thought it would. But I don’t want to be too positive and jinx it. Sure, I can read your Forest Babies book to you for the 20th time while you have another snack.
Stickers, no? Snack, no? How about your picture book? That’s a picture of a motorcycle. That’s a basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball. Do you want to point to any of the other 100 pictures in the book? A butterfly, a balloon, a monkey? No? Ok, that’s a motorcycle. That’s a basketball. Motorcycle. Basketball…..
You want to take a nap? Sure! Come to mama. Oh, you don’t want to nap in the baby carrier? Or the seat? Oh, you want to nap while I abruptly rock you back and forth? For 5 minutes? For 10 minutes? Sure, I can keep up this ab workout for 30 minutes until you are so deeply asleep you forget I am no longer rocking you.
Woah, still napping. Don’t move a muscle. Thank you flight attendant, but I’m going to pass on the water for now. I have to keep this bladder empty so I don’t have to move.
Oh man, this is heaven. Glass of wine. Sleeping baby. Movies on the screen. Seat reclined. Lunch served. Happy mama.
Oh no, don’t wake up. Oh, you are just changing position and going back to sleep? Phew. I should not have had that glass of wine. I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee. I do not have to pee.
No, no it can’t be time to wake up yet. Well, at least we have made it to the eastern tip of Canada. Can’t be too much longer now. Ok, do you want to watch mama’s movie? No? You don’t want to play with stickers, books, magnets, cling-ons, buckles, paper bags, or post-it notes? You don’t want to listen to mama sing songs? You don’t want to play on the tablet? You sure you don’t want a snack? That’s nice that you decline each of my offers with a passionate no and countless loud grunts while thrashing your body back and forth between the seats. Oh, you want to put the window shade up? Now, down? Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. I’m sure the passengers sleeping on the dark plane are enjoying the quick flash of light along with the thud of the window shade going up and down abruptly. Here, take a snack.
Oh, you want to climb up and rattle the seat in front of you? Oh, you want to screech, as loud as possible, over and over? You want to peek through the seats to look behind us and yell at the nice passenger until they acknowledge you? And repeat that over and over? Awesome. How about another snack?
Why don’t you have some water out of your sippy cup? You want to drink out of my water bottle. No. Oh geez, if you are going to scream like that, please drink out of my water bottle. Oh look, now you have water all over your shirt. You don’t want to wear a wet shirt? But you don’t want me to take your shirt off… hmmm…but you are freaking out about your wet shirt touching you. There’s really only one solution. Onnnnnne. Twwwwwwwo. Thhhhhhrrreeee. Uh-oh, where’s your shirt? There’s a shirt on your head. Hi, Mr. T-shirt head! Oops, now there is a different shirt is on your body. See how much more comfortable a dry shirt can be. Let’s go for a walk. Oh, you want to touch everyone you pass as you walk? Say hi and wave. You need all the cute baby points you can earn.
I don’t think I am going to make it. Do you want a snack? No, the water bottle is gone. All finished. Here is your sippy cup. The water bottle is gone. There is no more water bottle. Dad’s turn to take you for a walk.
Do you think anyone has noticed that we have been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes while you are playing on the changing table? Sure, we can wash your hands and play in the sink for the umpteenth time. I can’t believe it, but playing with you in the bathroom trumps my repulsive disgust for airplane bathroom germs. Ok, you are done with the bathroom? Why don’t you screech to let me know? I want everyone outside to think I am torturing you… oh good! You’ve got that down!
You don’t want to sit? You don’t want to walk? You don’t want to be carried? You don’t want to stand? You don’t want to eat dinner? Oh, you want to reach up to the overhead bin three rows ahead of us? Sure, I can lift your 25# body over my head for long periods of time, while you dangle over the passengers seated in the aisle. I was looking for a workout today. You want to play with the curtain separating us from the business class passengers? And open and close the curtain over and over? You want to repeatedly yank on the curtain, so hard, that it makes a repetitive loud clanking sound? Do you like the dirty looks from the people on the other side of the curtain? Ah, you do because you laugh when they glare at you. This is fun! Seriously, how long does it take to fly over Canada. Canada must be hell… because this is hell.
Well, that wasn’t the worst time ever. But it was definitely in the top 5 worst times, though…I would never want to do it again. Good news: I closed my exercise ring twice from chasing a toddler around an airplane. Bad news is I have to stand here, waiting to deplane while everyone gives us the “thanks for ruining my flight” stink eye.